In an effort to straighten out the brain, I am working on writing again. At this point, it is all for me so I am not sure about revising and fixing. Maybe if something is good, I can put some effort in but for now it is a mind dump and a chance to explore.

Gratitude

I am glad that I have figured out a way to stop the brain from spinning. Life hasn't been easy lately, but it's easy for me to get caught up in the drama and how things are going wrong. I discovered in college that writing stops the constant focus on the negative and shifts the viewpoint outward. This should help those. negative ideas to get perspective and not just create more drama. Why does drama begat drama? Maybe that deserves a post later.

Confidence

I did a fair amount today even though the heat was overwhelming. I thought I'd work outside but that wasn't to be today. I did get some laundry, dishes and grocery shopping done. I made a plan to deal with what I believe is a confidence issue. That plan alone should be worth the day. 

Writing Prompt

Write about a second chance or fresh start - from writing contest email. This is appropriate because I am tryinng to work on fresh starts a lot lately life seems to be headed downward and I struggle everyday with attitude. hmmm maybe?

Holly glared down the hill. It was steeper on this side, but she'd got tired of sledding the other side. It was for little kids and her birthday was tomorrow. She wouldn't be "little" much longer, besides it was the last run of the night. Her big brother Chuck would be picking her up soon and then the day would definately be over. There was some junk down at the bottom of the hill. She could see that, but she also knew that kids used this part of the hill. She'd seen them do it. Do you steer around it? Do you just go through it? Maybe if you built up sppe you could sort of sail over the top? Holly puzzled over the problem but couldn't think of a so all over the hill side and not just at the bottom. Her run totally sucked because she got hung up on everything going down the hill and lution. She did what most of us would have done and she just pointed her sled down the hill and went for it. After all, who plans a sled run? Well it was actually Holly's lucky day because the there was stuff all down the side of the hill. She could not get any momentum at all. When she finally tugged her sled the last of the way down the mountain, she was glad that she hand' been able to run it because there was an old log drug across the flat ground and she could see where they had been shooting bottles off the top of it and glass was everywhere. It definatly would have killed that coat of ski wax that she had asked Chuck for and if she had slid off the sled, which was pretty common, who knows what she wouuld have looked like at the bottom of the hill. She wondered if she shouuld clean up the mess tomorrow or just find somewhere else but then Chuck showed up and there was no stalling him. She decided to ask him if was worth it. He'd sled this hill just a few years ago, she'd see if he thought it was worth it.

Cultural Appropriation: How Big is My World?

     Today's rabbit hole was brought to you by an article on a celebrity. She is getting criticized for wearing a bindi (the semi-precious stone dot that rests in the middle of the forehead.) This person is neither a Hindu or Jain follower and so it is seen as sacrilegious. I was intrigued by this and I started reading, the first article that popped up was from a Hindu woman who said that while the bindi definitely had cultural significance for her, it was also a fashion statement. She actually had a set of ten that she could coordinate with her wardrobe. She was proud that an outsider had considered part of her culture beautiful enough to want to emulate it. I love this attitude but it was just the beginning of my thoughts today.
     According to Wikipedia, "Cultural Appropriation is the adoption or use of the elements of one culture by members of another culture." Here is where the rabbit hole begins. "One Culture" is a loaded phrase alone. I am not one culture nor do I ever hope to be. If you were to ask what my ancestry is I would say "Heinz 57." I actually have no idea where I came from except that I have an account of relatives coming across the states and seeing Indians hiding in the brush. I guess that makes me bleed red white and blue, but to be honest I'm not thrilled with America's heritage. I guess I like the melting pot idea, but of course, that leaves us with a homogeneous mash-up where we have little individual flavor. I like the idea of a fruit salad. You can be in the fruit salad and still be a grape. You can have your Italian culture and still be an American. What does that make people like me who don't claim a specific heritage? Maybe I'm the sauce that absorbs all of the flavors and fits in between the fruit. Maybe I get to be just a little bit of everyone. I know that this is not a new idea and many people feel this way but it was just jumping off point that I had, there are more.
     So is cultural appropriation a bad thing? Is adopting another culture a bad thing? Sometimes we don't always have the best ideas in mind when we choose to borrow cultures. Often the first time one culture is adopted by another is to mock it. We make fun of other languages, styles of dress, and customs, only to find that when we take the time to understand where there these cultural icons came from they seem to be the obvious choice.
    One of my first jobs was working in a tourist shop that sold Native American items. I was educated and fascinated by a culture that could have easily faded away, but was instead being held fast by its people. I found many things about the culture that I greatly admire. I like the fact that I can understand that culture better than many an outsider.
   When I am not focused on other things I am working on learning Spanish. Oh, I am a very slow learning and lately, it has taken a back seat to many other things. I did find it interesting that one of my go-to helpers in this pursuit wasn't Spanish or Mexican but rather a Chinese guy. Spanish wasn't his second language but rather his third. He understood the language rules better than many others,
    Maybe it's because I do not define myself using one culture but I embrace many, but I think cultural appropriation is a compliment. We just should be careful to use it with respect and information.

A Year Later

       Thanksgiving was much better this year than last. This year I had two Thanksgiving meals and last year I had none. This year I was able to spend some time with loved ones and last year I just wanted to crawl into a warm hole.
      Last year I had a fairly large tumor (benign) removed from my liver just days before Thanksgiving. Oh yes, and they took my gallbladder out because "it looked ugly." Doc, I'd just like to say the human heart isn't that pretty but we all want to keep those. Organs can be ugly. Anyway, I only spent one night in the hospital and spent Thanksgiving in relative peace. I returned to work on a shortened schedule the day after Thanksgiving. I healed quite quickly and life went on. However, I was aware that there were bits of the tumor left and they would have to be monitored. I didn't realize how bad I was dreading this until I was told this year's MRI showed small bits that do not need removal. I can't tell you how relieved that I am. I will have a yearly MRI but may not even need another surgery. The doc asked me if I still had pain and I said that occasionally it hurt a little but not bad. She asked where and I had to say that it was odd that some of my pain was on the left (your liver is on the right.) She explained that they put the camera in on the left side and occasionally wrench it around to get the camera angle that they need. (Aha!) For all of my curious biology buddies, I asked if about your liver regenerating. She said that some do grow some but they heal themselves more than regenerate, but she also said that mine seemed to be "a good size"  and may be regenerating a bit.
      I always try to let people know how much they mean to me, but maybe I have yet one more thing to be thankful for at Thanksgiving. I think the best thing is that not only do I have a million things to be thankful for, the best thing is that I know I do.
     

An open letter to the gods of today.

     Gods don't change they want emotion, anger, and sacrifice. It's how they live if no one is upset they fade away. The gods of today are no different. The gods of the tv, internet and cell phone want emotion because the more attention that they get the more alive they are and the less we are. If you think they are not gods you are missing how much time we give them how much energy flows their way. I refuse to let them win. I may spend a lot of time with them but they are my tools and I am not theirs. I am stronger than they are.
       Every time I join their circle, I am tempted. Someone is not just wrong but so WRONG they might hurt someone with their insensitivity. Someone is attacking someone else, isn't it my job to stand up for them? My job is to protect those who are weaker than I, isn't it? I DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU SAID! I CAN PROVE YOU ARE WRONG! I am stronger than that. People can be wrong. I am sometimes wrong. My sources are not always thorough and may be biased. I don't have to change the way I think because you gave me new information. Actually, I am not likely to, but neither are you when I share my opinion. Instead, we sit here yelling at each other when no one is listening. And the gods eat. It would be better if we try to find a different point of view even if we don't agree with it, just to see where it comes from, how it feels. If you can't don't forget that other viewpoint still has blood flowing through their heart and they often want the same humanity that you do they just see a different path to find it. I will not yell. I will not unfriend. I also will not be silent. I am human I have thoughts and opinions and I choose the tools with which I get to share them, for I too see a path to humanity but it has very little bloodshed and we all don't have to agree there. I wouldn't want it any other way.

More than a Book Review; Artificial intelligence in conversation

      Sometimes I read a book and it feels like it needs more than a book review. Book reviews tell what you thought of the book. They do not include all of the extraneous things that you thought while you were reading it. I love books that make me think and sometimes I feel like those books deserve more than just a simple review. The book that I am currently reading is such a book.
     The Most Human Human by Brian Christian is an interesting take on what it means to communicate as a human. Mr. Christian has been selected to be a human in an annual Turing test. The Turing test is conducted to judge artificial intelligence (AI.) A panel sits at computers and "talk" to someone who responds back. Responding to the panel are real humans and also computer programs. The test is too try to fool the panel into thinking that a computer program is a real person. From this contest has grown another award, "The Most Human Human." This is, of course, awarded to the responder who seems to be least like a computer. Our author, Mr. Christian's goal is to win the Most Human Human Award.
       It seems that AI conversation is usually created from bits taken from many different conversations. For example, "Hello" is quite often answered by, "Hi, how are you?" When the computer sees the frequency of this reply it can assume that this is acceptable and usable. I think it's pretty easy to see how easy it might be to fake being human on this basis. One of the problems with this type of answer is that by choosing the most popular answer the program has no stance. In other words the computer is not pretending to be a person but is rather pretending to be humanity. To quote the book, "Fragmented humanity is not humanity." The bot is not offering itself as a character, so therefore it is easy for it not understand when it is asked personal questions.  For example you might ask a bot it's gender and it might reply that it was male, when you ask if it has a significant other it might it might reply that, yes, it plans on marrying him next year, but when asked if he is gay the response might be negative. Each time a bot "speaks it is in response to something that was said and it does not track conversations so general themes can be missed. It is interesting that so our much of what we think as conversation to build relationships is really simply response. While reading this book I came across a new word. I had to look up the word fungible. It means that you can substitute one individual for another without noticing the difference. Much of our conversations are fungible. Another point that I thought was interesting was that in negative conversation it is much easier for a bot to take the place of a human, because when we argue our responses are reactionary. They do not depend as much on the whole conversation it is just a reaction to the last statement. Apparently someone programmed a bot for more negative responses and it carried on a conversation with someone for an hour and a half, effectively passing the Turning test.
      While I was reading this book I found these ideas to be credible and I will try to be more present in my conversations and less fungible. Also, the next time I argue with someone I will try to make sure the argument continues to be about the original topic and not about responding to the last comment.

I'm still not ready for New Years

     It is the 7th day of the new year, and I am not willing to acknowledge the fact. I know what my resolutions are for the year but I am not ready to even begin avoiding them.

     The year 2017 had many challenges for me. My niece came to live with me which came with a whole new set of problems. I struggle daily, sometimes hourly, with choices and decisions. I have never thought of myself as maternal and that certainly has not changed. However, I am fully aware of what is at stake in her world and how many ripples that I am creating. Every issue seems to be a struggle for both of us. I've had some health issues this year which I am hoping were dealt with and are now non-existent, but there were enough bills that can claim medical costs on my taxes. Thank goodness for good medical insurance or I'd be lost. 

     To look at the bigger picture, 2017 also brought a president that I am not fond of and the news quite often makes me wince. I am afraid that President Trump and I do not agree on many fronts, but what is far more disturbing to me is the increase in the division of the country. I am quite used to listening to both sides of politics and enjoy the fact that people strongly believe in their issues, but this feels different. Even people who believe in starting conversations are resorting to name calling. We have stopped talking and are labeling and blaming. It makes it hard because people begin to look for those things even when they aren't there. We have become more defensive and less open-minded. This is not my version of politics. I just hope we learn and get better at talking.

      Not all things about 2017 were bad. I had the first and also my 30th high school reunion. Since I was a planner, it was nothing more than a small group of people meeting in a park, but I enjoyed getting reacquainted with people who I hadn't seen for about 30 years.  They are talking about doing it again so I might have started something, but since I will not be in charge it will be better in years to come. Last year also gave me another year to spend with my man, my friends, and my family to try to show them what they mean to me. I read new books and learned new things. I re-enrolled at Idaho State University in pursuit of a bachelor's degree and thanks to my job I don't have to worry about the cost, although I do have to take the slower path.  I managed to donate a vehicle to National Federation of the Blind because I think I can get more back from the tax claim then anyone else might have given me for it. 

      I know what I want for the new year. I want to find a better balance. I want to balance the way I am with the way that I want to be. I want to find a balance between the couch potato who likes to munch while she does her homework and the sleeker fitter me that I dream of. I want to find a balance between the person who only manages to leave the house only for work, groceries, or school to someone who is more involved in the lives of her friends and family. I want to find a balance between my dreams and reality. Dreams are hard to shoot for without losing hope. I just want a better me. 

     The current problem is that I am not ready to start. I keep thinking if I can just delay my personal new year for a little longer. I am not looking for radical change just a few minor ones. I even have methods for achieving my goals. I have discovered that I hate recording failure. If I force myself to keep a journal I can come closer to success then any other way. Classes start tomorrow, and I was given a day and a half of unexpected vacation. (It happens now and then when you work in prison.) It seems like a great time to start a new world, but yet might feet are dragging. Maybe next week I will start on the new me. Maybe I should start looking for the more positive things in life to inspire me. The kind words and nice people are always there it's just sometimes we forget to pay attention. Maybe if I can not inspire myself maybe others can. It's time to pay attention.

A little whine with thanksgiving, but I remember more

      This year's Thanksgiving is a little tough. Last Friday I went in for surgery to have a non-cancerous tumor in my liver removed. Up until it was diagnosed I had never felt it and if it weren't for routine blood tests I'd probably still have it although it was certainly making me uncomfortable before it finally came out. I was concerned about the procedure but then I saw that I could have it done laparoscopically and maybe two weeks recovery time and I'd be back on my feet. That didn't seem too bad and so life was arranged for almost two weeks of downtime because I like pushing the limits. That was all okay but they rescheduled my surgery from the front of the week to the back of the week. Surgery was Friday it's now Wednesday and I am debating if I can pull off Thanksgiving tomorrow. All I have to do is show up, but honestly trying to act like you feel fine when you don't is not fun. I am also not sure about returning to work on Friday. I hate letting people down and I will feel like that is what I am doing no matter what anyone says. For starters, my laparoscopic surgery consisted of 7 holes, not 3 and they took out my gallbladder because "it looked weird." I was so thrilled when the surgeon told me I could leave the next day I didn't consider that home medication isn't the same as hospital meds. I hadn't even made it all the way down the hospital hallway without feeling like I might pass out. But I am always so damn happy with my pain coping skills that I like to forget that I am human. I don't understand the current opioid addiction at all. My meds make me nauseous and sleepy. Not what I would consider high at all. I can get something to take away nausea but I was only supposed to need them for 4 days and that ends today. I am probably getting to the point that I need food far more than I need sleep. Don't even get me started on my current need for laxatives or the fun that's going to go with that. I'm actually doing quite well, considering everything. The unexplained shudders are a bit annoying (I wish I knew what they were,) and painful but considering what my body went through last week, I'm good.
        I do think that sometimes one needs to complain about life. It's like singing the blues. You feel better when it's out there, instead of stuck in your head. There is so much that I have to be thankful for that it makes my complaints seem minuscule. It's not just the wonderful man who got me through all of this mess and continues to take care of me, or the families that are trying to make me part of their holidays. It's also the amazing network of friends that I have far and wide who are always there for me. I know that there are many people who have life far worse than I do. Quite honestly it feels like right now there are many who have a life more pleasant than mine, but I am the only one lucky enough to have my life. Thank you to all of the wonderful people that I get to encounter for enriching it. Now, Miralax and 7 up, or Narco and sleep, maybe white bread and Pepsi, or finalizing tomorrow's choices. UGH! But I am smiling.