Friday, November 30, 2018

A Year Later

       Thanksgiving was much better this year than last. This year I had two Thanksgiving meals and last year I had none. This year I was able to spend some time with loved ones and last year I just wanted to crawl into a warm hole.
      Last year I had a fairly large tumor (benign) removed from my liver just days before Thanksgiving. Oh yes, and they took my gallbladder out because "it looked ugly." Doc, I'd just like to say the human heart isn't that pretty but we all want to keep those. Organs can be ugly. Anyway, I only spent one night in the hospital and spent Thanksgiving in relative peace. I returned to work on a shortened schedule the day after Thanksgiving. I healed quite quickly and life went on. However, I was aware that there were bits of the tumor left and they would have to be monitored. I didn't realize how bad I was dreading this until I was told this year's MRI showed small bits that do not need removal. I can't tell you how relieved that I am. I will have a yearly MRI but may not even need another surgery. The doc asked me if I still had pain and I said that occasionally it hurt a little but not bad. She asked where and I had to say that it was odd that some of my pain was on the left (your liver is on the right.) She explained that they put the camera in on the left side and occasionally wrench it around to get the camera angle that they need. (Aha!) For all of my curious biology buddies, I asked if about your liver regenerating. She said that some do grow some but they heal themselves more than regenerate, but she also said that mine seemed to be "a good size"  and may be regenerating a bit.
      I always try to let people know how much they mean to me, but maybe I have yet one more thing to be thankful for at Thanksgiving. I think the best thing is that not only do I have a million things to be thankful for, the best thing is that I know I do.
     

Thursday, May 31, 2018

An open letter to the gods of today.

     Gods don't change they want emotion, anger, and sacrifice. It's how they live if no one is upset they fade away. The gods of today are no different. The gods of the tv, internet and cell phone want emotion because the more attention that they get the more alive they are and the less we are. If you think they are not gods you are missing how much time we give them how much energy flows their way. I refuse to let them win. I may spend a lot of time with them but they are my tools and I am not theirs. I am stronger than they are.
       Every time I join their circle, I am tempted. Someone is not just wrong but so WRONG they might hurt someone with their insensitivity. Someone is attacking someone else, isn't it my job to stand up for them? My job is to protect those who are weaker than I, isn't it? I DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU SAID! I CAN PROVE YOU ARE WRONG! I am stronger than that. People can be wrong. I am sometimes wrong. My sources are not always thorough and may be biased. I don't have to change the way I think because you gave me new information. Actually, I am not likely to, but neither are you when I share my opinion. Instead, we sit here yelling at each other when no one is listening. And the gods eat. It would be better if we try to find a different point of view even if we don't agree with it, just to see where it comes from, how it feels. If you can't don't forget that other viewpoint still has blood flowing through their heart and they often want the same humanity that you do they just see a different path to find it. I will not yell. I will not unfriend. I also will not be silent. I am human I have thoughts and opinions and I choose the tools with which I get to share them, for I too see a path to humanity but it has very little bloodshed and we all don't have to agree there. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Monday, January 29, 2018

More than a Book Review; Artificial intelligence in conversation

      Sometimes I read a book and it feels like it needs more than a book review. Book reviews tell what you thought of the book. They do not include all of the extraneous things that you thought while you were reading it. I love books that make me think and sometimes I feel like those books deserve more than just a simple review. The book that I am currently reading is such a book.
     The Most Human Human by Brian Christian is an interesting take on what it means to communicate as a human. Mr. Christian has been selected to be a human in an annual Turing test. The Turing test is conducted to judge artificial intelligence (AI.) A panel sits at computers and "talk" to someone who responds back. Responding to the panel are real humans and also computer programs. The test is too try to fool the panel into thinking that a computer program is a real person. From this contest has grown another award, "The Most Human Human." This is, of course, awarded to the responder who seems to be least like a computer. Our author, Mr. Christian's goal is to win the Most Human Human Award.
       It seems that AI conversation is usually created from bits taken from many different conversations. For example, "Hello" is quite often answered by, "Hi, how are you?" When the computer sees the frequency of this reply it can assume that this is acceptable and usable. I think it's pretty easy to see how easy it might be to fake being human on this basis. One of the problems with this type of answer is that by choosing the most popular answer the program has no stance. In other words the computer is not pretending to be a person but is rather pretending to be humanity. To quote the book, "Fragmented humanity is not humanity." The bot is not offering itself as a character, so therefore it is easy for it not understand when it is asked personal questions.  For example you might ask a bot it's gender and it might reply that it was male, when you ask if it has a significant other it might it might reply that, yes, it plans on marrying him next year, but when asked if he is gay the response might be negative. Each time a bot "speaks it is in response to something that was said and it does not track conversations so general themes can be missed. It is interesting that so our much of what we think as conversation to build relationships is really simply response. While reading this book I came across a new word. I had to look up the word fungible. It means that you can substitute one individual for another without noticing the difference. Much of our conversations are fungible. Another point that I thought was interesting was that in negative conversation it is much easier for a bot to take the place of a human, because when we argue our responses are reactionary. They do not depend as much on the whole conversation it is just a reaction to the last statement. Apparently someone programmed a bot for more negative responses and it carried on a conversation with someone for an hour and a half, effectively passing the Turning test.
      While I was reading this book I found these ideas to be credible and I will try to be more present in my conversations and less fungible. Also, the next time I argue with someone I will try to make sure the argument continues to be about the original topic and not about responding to the last comment.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

I'm still not ready for New Years

     It is the 7th day of the new year, and I am not willing to acknowledge the fact. I know what my resolutions are for the year but I am not ready to even begin avoiding them.
     The year 2017 had many challenges for me. My niece came to live with me which came with a whole new set of problems. I struggle daily, sometimes hourly, with choices and decisions. I have never thought of myself as maternal and that certainly has not changed. However, I am fully aware of what is at stake in her world and how many ripples that I am creating. Every issue seems to be a struggle for both of us. I've had some health issues this year which I am hoping were dealt with and are now non-existent, but there were enough bills that can claim medical costs on my taxes. Thank goodness for good medical insurance or I'd be lost. 
     To look at the bigger picture, 2017 also brought a president that I am not fond of and the news quite often makes me wince. I am afraid that President Trump and I do not agree on many fronts, but what is far more disturbing to me is the increase in the division of the country. I am quite used to listening to both sides of politics and enjoy the fact that people strongly believe in their issues, but this feels different. Even people who believe in starting conversations are resorting to name calling. We have stopped talking and are labeling and blaming. It makes it hard because people begin to look for those things even when they aren't there. We have become more defensive and less open-minded. This is not my version of politics. I just hope we learn and get better at talking.
      Not all things about 2017 were bad. I had the first and also my 30th high school reunion. Since I was a planner, it was nothing more than a small group of people meeting in a park, but I enjoyed getting reacquainted with people who I hadn't seen for about 30 years.  They are talking about doing it again so I might have started something, but since I will not be in charge it will be better in years to come. Last year also gave me another year to spend with my man, my friends, and my family to try to show them what they mean to me. I read new books and learned new things. I re-enrolled at Idaho State University in pursuit of a bachelor's degree and thanks to my job I don't have to worry about the cost, although I do have to take the slower path.  I managed to donate a vehicle to National Federation of the Blind because I think I can get more back from the tax claim then anyone else might have given me for it. 
      I know what I want for the new year. I want to find a better balance. I want to balance the way I am with the way that I want to be. I want to find a balance between the couch potato who likes to munch while she does her homework and the sleeker fitter me that I dream of. I want to find a balance between the person who only manages to leave the house only for work, groceries, or school to someone who is more involved in the lives of her friends and family. I want to find a balance between my dreams and reality. Dreams are hard to shoot for without losing hope. I just want a better me. 
     The current problem is that I am not ready to start. I keep thinking if I can just delay my personal new year for a little longer. I am not looking for radical change just a few minor ones. I even have methods for achieving my goals. I have discovered that I hate recording failure. If I force myself to keep a journal I can come closer to success then any other way. Classes start tomorrow, and I was given a day and a half of unexpected vacation. (It happens now and then when you work in prison.) It seems like a great time to start a new world, but yet might feet are dragging. Maybe next week I will start on the new me. Maybe I should start looking for the more positive things in life to inspire me. The kind words and nice people are always there it's just sometimes we forget to pay attention. Maybe if I can not inspire myself maybe others can. It's time to pay attention.