I believe writing is cathartic so these days more while posts are more frequent, they are far from my entertaining musings, for that I apologize. If you want more entertaining readings I can suggest many authors who will always be more entertaining than I. Much of what I write is just for me. When I write the crazy ideas that run laps in my head are forced to stop and assemble in some sort of order. I can revisit at will in order to reflect positively or negatively on my thoughts of the time. I know that I overthink every issue, however putting ideas on paper adds concrete and makes them solidify and stops the circular thinking that escalates my feelings.
My head is filled with thoughts and feelings about abilities and disabilities and what makes a person be who they are. My little family has an outreach. I think that is the best way that I can think of my niece right now. She lives under my roof but she very separate from the rest of the world. I have read a lot about Aspergers and the more I read the less I understand. I have known many people with different disabilities and I know that you can not or should not separate the disability from the person. We are a sum of our parts both good and bad. The problem with Aspergers is that effects the personality in ways that make the person hard to identify with. What if you take away someone's ability to empathize? Empathy is a valuable human trait without it, we think of people as monsters who can't relate to us. What if conversations were not just difficult but stressful and seemed to be full of meaning that you didn't understand. I am a fan of self-sufficiency and I love and need my time alone, but I can't help but think how alone Shereen must feel. I think that she is okay with it, it is I that have the problem. I think that she has almost given up on finding understanding from others. I have spent many days around her since she was small and we have always been better friends than many others, but now I realize how little I understand her or how to help her. I do my best to give her space and I am trying to stand behind her. I try to let her take the lead, but I can't help but insert some information where I can. I believe voc-rehab is still one of our best hopes. I let her meet with her counselor alone but I did give the receptionist a note with things that I think Shereen needs. I am afraid for her because I know asking for help is very difficult for her and something that she rarely does. I don't believe that she owns her Aspergers. It was something that she was diagnosed with in junior high, but all she knows is that's the way she is and we have always said that being different is okay. It is hard because I have found blogs with people who test on the autism spectrum (I guess this is the politically correct term) but they are empowered to speak for themselves and they advocate that their differences are something to celebrate and not mourn. I would love that for Shereen she has a gift for storytelling I want her to be able to tell her own story. She is so very intelligent, that it seems wrong to be so shut down from the world. We are making progress. She took the bus down to the mall today by herself. My mother said that she sounded like a whole new person on the phone. I think that with a little freedom she may hunger for more. In the meantime, she lives closed in her room often exchanging little more than two dozen words with me a day and not talking to Jeff at all. She sneaks out and grabs food and usually takes it back into the bedroom. I know being alone is less stressful than having to cope with someone anyone else.I just wonder if it helps or makes life worse. One day at a time we might be making little steps. I have hopes. I just know that I have to adapt as much as she does to what is acceptable and what is good.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
One minute at a time
My niece living here has been a challenge. I always thought that parents were amazing in their ability to keep up with their children. I have always been amazed at the single-parent families that I knew. Years ago I decided this was a group that I didn't want to join. I decided that I didn't have the patience or energy for a child and I have never regretted that choice. Sherry is 23 but that doesn't seem that much easier. I am always doubting if I am pushing her too hard or not enough.
It's been almost two weeks and I debate every minute if we are doing okay. I know that jobs service was fabulous. They set her up with Dress for Success and she received a jacket and a shirt. They have her set up with vocational rehab next week. I have got her a cell phone as well as a three-month bus pass. Today we got her a replacement social security card in route. I have written down the house rules and I am doing my best to make sure they are followed without constant reminding. I hate people who nag and I refuse to. I need to find an acceptable punishment that makes these things her responsibility and not mine. I am hoping to get us to join a group that helps the disabled become more independent. If anything I need someone who understands her capabilities and can help me determine what is right. I am going to ask her to formulate her idea of "success." I think it will help me to help her. I don't want to underestimate her abilities, but the autism spectrum wants to close a person in on themselves. It is difficult to allow someone to shut themselves out of society when you know that communication is essential to life. She has made a few phone calls and I am trying to make sure that she takes the lead when we enter a business. In turn, I have let her have a small space and I am essentially letting her live in the room with little contact from us. I try to plan out my weekend ahead of time and let her know what is coming. Today I blew the schedule. It was raining and I didn't feel like waiting for the bus. This weekend I also wanted her to deliver applications to the Youth Ranch which she doesn't want to do. This maybe where she is going to go for voc-rehab so I may relent. I also would like her to get a job with them because they have two stores very close to the house. I think if I take it slower at let voc-rehab help her with some of these early steps she might have more success. It is a minute by minute struggle to decide does she need more challenges, am I not helping enough. I want her to succeed but I know her success and mine are not the same. I want her to know that she needs to ask for help it will make life easier. I want her to know that there are consequences to her behaviors but I don't think that failure has taught her much. I just hope that a taste of independence will make her hungry for more.
It's been almost two weeks and I debate every minute if we are doing okay. I know that jobs service was fabulous. They set her up with Dress for Success and she received a jacket and a shirt. They have her set up with vocational rehab next week. I have got her a cell phone as well as a three-month bus pass. Today we got her a replacement social security card in route. I have written down the house rules and I am doing my best to make sure they are followed without constant reminding. I hate people who nag and I refuse to. I need to find an acceptable punishment that makes these things her responsibility and not mine. I am hoping to get us to join a group that helps the disabled become more independent. If anything I need someone who understands her capabilities and can help me determine what is right. I am going to ask her to formulate her idea of "success." I think it will help me to help her. I don't want to underestimate her abilities, but the autism spectrum wants to close a person in on themselves. It is difficult to allow someone to shut themselves out of society when you know that communication is essential to life. She has made a few phone calls and I am trying to make sure that she takes the lead when we enter a business. In turn, I have let her have a small space and I am essentially letting her live in the room with little contact from us. I try to plan out my weekend ahead of time and let her know what is coming. Today I blew the schedule. It was raining and I didn't feel like waiting for the bus. This weekend I also wanted her to deliver applications to the Youth Ranch which she doesn't want to do. This maybe where she is going to go for voc-rehab so I may relent. I also would like her to get a job with them because they have two stores very close to the house. I think if I take it slower at let voc-rehab help her with some of these early steps she might have more success. It is a minute by minute struggle to decide does she need more challenges, am I not helping enough. I want her to succeed but I know her success and mine are not the same. I want her to know that she needs to ask for help it will make life easier. I want her to know that there are consequences to her behaviors but I don't think that failure has taught her much. I just hope that a taste of independence will make her hungry for more.
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
The Beginning of a Journey
The balance of the house has shifted. It felt like it was going to topple over, out of control, but I am starting to see maybe the foundation has enough give to maintain its structure even through an earthquake.
For me, a phone call at work is not normal. One from my parents is even more ominous. I heard that my niece, Sherry, has left their house sometime during the night Thursday and is apparently on her way to my house. They have no idea what her method of transportation is or when she should arrive. I quickly tell my workers that they have to go "home" so that I can leave. My thoughts are running everywhere. Did her cousin pick her up? Is she okay? What should be my reaction when I see her? When I got home I see a bike parked in the driveway. I walked into the house and see a couple of bags on the couch. No Sherry yet, but at least I'm pretty sure that she's okay. I check on the boyfriend who is still asleep and try to explain what I know. I then call my mother and let her know that she is here somewhere. Mom tells me that she got picked up by some nice lady and dropped off at my place and the lady called mom. Sherry had also called mom from my house saying that she was okay. She came in with doughnuts from the grocery store a few minutes later. I ordered her to the car and headed straight to Mc Donald's. My thinking was that if I stayed home I would yell, she would cry and neither one of us would achieve anything. I thought that if I went somewhere public we both might do a little better maintaining our composure and communicate better. She had called and asked if she could stay with me while she job hunted twice, once just a few days before. To her credit, she knew that she had screwed up the situation bad enough that she might not have a place to live. I chose not to ask if she had an alternative plan if she couldn't stay with me. I believe that she had some other idea, but I don't think I would have approved of it. Sometimes it is better not to know. I had so many problems with someone leaving a house at some bizarre hour for about a 45-mile bike ride without even a cell phone let alone actually informing people who have never not helped her. I work in a prison and anyone biking alone without any method of communication is a situation for serious trouble, but you can't explain concepts of victims to people who aren't willing to listen. It came down to deciding that she was staying with me on a trial period and we would need some serious signs that she was trying to grow up.
Sherry has some level of autism. She has difficulty dealing with other people because she lacks a level of empathy. She is most happy when she is alone with her manga and her computer. Finding her first job was close to impossible for someone who is very bad about hiding their feelings. She was living in a very small town with her grandparents and life is hard when people live together but can't seem to find mutual ground no matter how hard they try. Boise does offer more opportunities but it also has many more people and many more scary new problems. She has no license because driving is scary. I think that a small town is easier on a young kid, but Emmett might be too small.
Tomorrow is Wednesday so it's been almost a week. I have come to the conclusion that best way to handle things is to do my best to treat her like an adult. She needs to learn to fail. I am not cooking her dinner, telling her when to eat or what she needs to do. I have told her that she needs to learn to take care of herself. I am not going to clean up after her and she doesn't have to clean up after us. I want her to focus on getting a job and figuring things out. I have most of this all written up, but I choose not to give it to her yet we have all had a long week. This week she spent about 3 hours with the wonderful people at Boise Job Service. They even had her speak to someone who deals with people with disabilities. For her to have to communicate with people that she doesn't know was hard. I fought with myself on how much input I should have in this process and I did let her handle the whole thing by herself. They did eventually call me back for some info, but they were awesome. They set her up with Dress for Success, a job seekers booklet (which I hope she reads), and an application for Idaho Youth Ranch. My hope is that they convinced her that her first job would not be some well-paying thing where she could just sit behind a computer. I put $10 on my library card and gave it to her to use. We all have computers including her, but my printer isn't working and she can do that from the library, also I have a branch within walking distance. We got her a 3-month bus pass and she can go anywhere she wants. Job Service taught her to read a bus schedule, but I will ride with her once so we get the feeling without the anxiety. I haven't ridden a city bus since I was about 10. We will make copies of the application because it seems Idaho Youth Ranch is looking for help all over town. We made a trip to Emmett to pick up some things and my parents were far nicer than necessary. She can not find her social security card so we have to apply for a replacement. I feel that there are already a lot of challenges but she is meeting them and I think feels like she is getting there. She is not thrilled with her tiny space in this small house but frankly, I don't want her to be terribly comfortable. If she doesn't succeed I want the experience to have taught her something. I want to push a little harder, but I know that I am tired and need my days off. I have to get my car in for some work and a few other appointments on Thursday so we may take tomorrow off for recovery as I have to go back to work on Friday. All in all, I feel that we might all survive.
My boyfriend is the real hero. He didn't sign up for any of this and is handling it all. He understands family can be hard but they are important. He is making sure that I am taking care of myself and is even nicer to our cat who is totally freaking out and hiding/sleeping all day and running around on the bed at night. It might be a blessing that we all anti-social people and happy in our own worlds. Sherry is already tired of sports and football season hasn't even started. She has my Netflix password and is living in the tiny space available but, we will survive together, how much better could it be than that?
For me, a phone call at work is not normal. One from my parents is even more ominous. I heard that my niece, Sherry, has left their house sometime during the night Thursday and is apparently on her way to my house. They have no idea what her method of transportation is or when she should arrive. I quickly tell my workers that they have to go "home" so that I can leave. My thoughts are running everywhere. Did her cousin pick her up? Is she okay? What should be my reaction when I see her? When I got home I see a bike parked in the driveway. I walked into the house and see a couple of bags on the couch. No Sherry yet, but at least I'm pretty sure that she's okay. I check on the boyfriend who is still asleep and try to explain what I know. I then call my mother and let her know that she is here somewhere. Mom tells me that she got picked up by some nice lady and dropped off at my place and the lady called mom. Sherry had also called mom from my house saying that she was okay. She came in with doughnuts from the grocery store a few minutes later. I ordered her to the car and headed straight to Mc Donald's. My thinking was that if I stayed home I would yell, she would cry and neither one of us would achieve anything. I thought that if I went somewhere public we both might do a little better maintaining our composure and communicate better. She had called and asked if she could stay with me while she job hunted twice, once just a few days before. To her credit, she knew that she had screwed up the situation bad enough that she might not have a place to live. I chose not to ask if she had an alternative plan if she couldn't stay with me. I believe that she had some other idea, but I don't think I would have approved of it. Sometimes it is better not to know. I had so many problems with someone leaving a house at some bizarre hour for about a 45-mile bike ride without even a cell phone let alone actually informing people who have never not helped her. I work in a prison and anyone biking alone without any method of communication is a situation for serious trouble, but you can't explain concepts of victims to people who aren't willing to listen. It came down to deciding that she was staying with me on a trial period and we would need some serious signs that she was trying to grow up.
Sherry has some level of autism. She has difficulty dealing with other people because she lacks a level of empathy. She is most happy when she is alone with her manga and her computer. Finding her first job was close to impossible for someone who is very bad about hiding their feelings. She was living in a very small town with her grandparents and life is hard when people live together but can't seem to find mutual ground no matter how hard they try. Boise does offer more opportunities but it also has many more people and many more scary new problems. She has no license because driving is scary. I think that a small town is easier on a young kid, but Emmett might be too small.
Tomorrow is Wednesday so it's been almost a week. I have come to the conclusion that best way to handle things is to do my best to treat her like an adult. She needs to learn to fail. I am not cooking her dinner, telling her when to eat or what she needs to do. I have told her that she needs to learn to take care of herself. I am not going to clean up after her and she doesn't have to clean up after us. I want her to focus on getting a job and figuring things out. I have most of this all written up, but I choose not to give it to her yet we have all had a long week. This week she spent about 3 hours with the wonderful people at Boise Job Service. They even had her speak to someone who deals with people with disabilities. For her to have to communicate with people that she doesn't know was hard. I fought with myself on how much input I should have in this process and I did let her handle the whole thing by herself. They did eventually call me back for some info, but they were awesome. They set her up with Dress for Success, a job seekers booklet (which I hope she reads), and an application for Idaho Youth Ranch. My hope is that they convinced her that her first job would not be some well-paying thing where she could just sit behind a computer. I put $10 on my library card and gave it to her to use. We all have computers including her, but my printer isn't working and she can do that from the library, also I have a branch within walking distance. We got her a 3-month bus pass and she can go anywhere she wants. Job Service taught her to read a bus schedule, but I will ride with her once so we get the feeling without the anxiety. I haven't ridden a city bus since I was about 10. We will make copies of the application because it seems Idaho Youth Ranch is looking for help all over town. We made a trip to Emmett to pick up some things and my parents were far nicer than necessary. She can not find her social security card so we have to apply for a replacement. I feel that there are already a lot of challenges but she is meeting them and I think feels like she is getting there. She is not thrilled with her tiny space in this small house but frankly, I don't want her to be terribly comfortable. If she doesn't succeed I want the experience to have taught her something. I want to push a little harder, but I know that I am tired and need my days off. I have to get my car in for some work and a few other appointments on Thursday so we may take tomorrow off for recovery as I have to go back to work on Friday. All in all, I feel that we might all survive.
My boyfriend is the real hero. He didn't sign up for any of this and is handling it all. He understands family can be hard but they are important. He is making sure that I am taking care of myself and is even nicer to our cat who is totally freaking out and hiding/sleeping all day and running around on the bed at night. It might be a blessing that we all anti-social people and happy in our own worlds. Sherry is already tired of sports and football season hasn't even started. She has my Netflix password and is living in the tiny space available but, we will survive together, how much better could it be than that?
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