I believe writing is cathartic so these days more while posts are more frequent, they are far from my entertaining musings, for that I apologize. If you want more entertaining readings I can suggest many authors who will always be more entertaining than I. Much of what I write is just for me. When I write the crazy ideas that run laps in my head are forced to stop and assemble in some sort of order. I can revisit at will in order to reflect positively or negatively on my thoughts of the time. I know that I overthink every issue, however putting ideas on paper adds concrete and makes them solidify and stops the circular thinking that escalates my feelings.
My head is filled with thoughts and feelings about abilities and disabilities and what makes a person be who they are. My little family has an outreach. I think that is the best way that I can think of my niece right now. She lives under my roof but she very separate from the rest of the world. I have read a lot about Aspergers and the more I read the less I understand. I have known many people with different disabilities and I know that you can not or should not separate the disability from the person. We are a sum of our parts both good and bad. The problem with Aspergers is that effects the personality in ways that make the person hard to identify with. What if you take away someone's ability to empathize? Empathy is a valuable human trait without it, we think of people as monsters who can't relate to us. What if conversations were not just difficult but stressful and seemed to be full of meaning that you didn't understand. I am a fan of self-sufficiency and I love and need my time alone, but I can't help but think how alone Shereen must feel. I think that she is okay with it, it is I that have the problem. I think that she has almost given up on finding understanding from others. I have spent many days around her since she was small and we have always been better friends than many others, but now I realize how little I understand her or how to help her. I do my best to give her space and I am trying to stand behind her. I try to let her take the lead, but I can't help but insert some information where I can. I believe voc-rehab is still one of our best hopes. I let her meet with her counselor alone but I did give the receptionist a note with things that I think Shereen needs. I am afraid for her because I know asking for help is very difficult for her and something that she rarely does. I don't believe that she owns her Aspergers. It was something that she was diagnosed with in junior high, but all she knows is that's the way she is and we have always said that being different is okay. It is hard because I have found blogs with people who test on the autism spectrum (I guess this is the politically correct term) but they are empowered to speak for themselves and they advocate that their differences are something to celebrate and not mourn. I would love that for Shereen she has a gift for storytelling I want her to be able to tell her own story. She is so very intelligent, that it seems wrong to be so shut down from the world. We are making progress. She took the bus down to the mall today by herself. My mother said that she sounded like a whole new person on the phone. I think that with a little freedom she may hunger for more. In the meantime, she lives closed in her room often exchanging little more than two dozen words with me a day and not talking to Jeff at all. She sneaks out and grabs food and usually takes it back into the bedroom. I know being alone is less stressful than having to cope with someone anyone else.I just wonder if it helps or makes life worse. One day at a time we might be making little steps. I have hopes. I just know that I have to adapt as much as she does to what is acceptable and what is good.
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